if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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