Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
