I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
