im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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