Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
