I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize