Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
