Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
