I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
