I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
