my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
