Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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