you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
