Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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