we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
