tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
