everyone is single if you try hard enough
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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