I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
