i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
