no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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