did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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