Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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