she was so not down for the gang bang
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It's never too late to be topless.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
