some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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