she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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