I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
