i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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