Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
