I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
