she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize