I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
