Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
