OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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