My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
