our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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