Cold hands, warm shart.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
