Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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