Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
