The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
