i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
