I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
