giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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