i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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