Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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