Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
