I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize