How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
