he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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