why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
