yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
