How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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