I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
this boner is exhausting
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
