Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
