remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Randomize
