Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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