Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
