dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
