At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize