The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
