took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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