My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
