Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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