I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
