Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
