yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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