Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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