I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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