i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
